IELTS Essays mức 6.0+ và 7.0+ tham khảo (Kỳ 2)

Bài làm của học viên:

Education plays a vital role in the development of a country. Therefore, some people think education system is the only important factor for the development of a country and they may be right.

Education is a foundation of well (–> a well) developed and cultured society. It is rightly said, ‘education is a ladder for (–> to) success’. If all the people of any country are educated then they becomes broadminded, civilized and progressive forward. Educated society improves standard of life as well.

Besides this (Besides,), education also creates a good employment opportunity and therefore country do not have to suffer big problem like unemployment. Educated peoples are more aware of problems (–> many ‘problems’ are used!) such as pollution and many more. Country becomes technologically advanced because of educated people.

Not only this, but by giving full importance to education, the nations can get rid of problems like iliteracy (spelling – illiteracy), poverty, unemployment and poppulation growth that retard the progress of nation. The crime rate can also be kept under check (word use – control). The standard of living of the people wil go up. If the nations wants (want) to be progressive it is very important that the people are more educated and progressive forward. Any country can be more technologically advanced and developed because of education.

[However, there are some more factors also plays important role in development of country. Such as governments has to encouraged people to do so.] (too short paragraph! Keep up with this ‘flow’ by 2-3 more sentences)

In conclusion, I would like to say that good education system lead to a developed country.

Nhận xét của một giáo viên:

This essay needs some work. It has a good structure and the sentences show enough fluency, but the last body paragraph needs to be corrected by adding another 2-3 sentences to it. In total, the number of words here is 235, under required 250, which will cost some marks. Also there are some repetitions and grammatical errors. Overall, looks like a Band 6 essay.

(Cách nhận xét cũng như số điểm đề nghị chỉ phản ánh quan điểm của giáo viên chấm bài này. Thực tế có thể khác tùy tình huống làm bài và chấm bài, không hẳn thể hiện chính xác quan điểm của IELTS)

Topic 2:

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

Bài làm của học viên:

In the last two decades cybernetics have experienced a major breakthrough .This led to the utilization of computers at nearly all parts of our daily life, from personal computers to complicated surgery performing. Surely the uptake of this technology facilitates a lot of difficult tasks but is this excessive dependance (–> dependency) ripping the warmth of our lives? In this essay, I will outline how the availability of computers affects our lives.(Better way: There are many ways in which the availability of computers affects out lives).

Most of the daily tasks an (–>and) individual experiences are time and effort consuming. These two fundemental (spelling – fundamental) qualities could be tremendously saved by the use of computers. The average period required to prepare a decent meal for a middle-class family is around an hour to and (–>an) hour and a half when using traditional methods. This time could be literally reduced to half if computerized decives (spelling – devices) are used instead. Moreover, a busy businessman is enabled to easily close a profitable deal just with a touch on this (–> of) highly programmed laptop while enjoying his family vacation and not having to exert an extra effort of traveling long distances just to sign (–> close) a deal.

On the other hand, new generations are growing remarkably dependent on these modern utilities, which make them handicapped (better way: which handicaps them) when it comes to preparing (–> making) a cup of tea. Inaddition (separate words – In addition), psychologists suggest that one of the main reasons for sucidal (spelling – suicidal) rate increase  is recent electric inventions. This is due to that humans by nature stay emotionally healthy through socializing, but due to the importance of modern technology to maintain a financially satisfying standard of life they gradually isulate (spelling – isolate) themselves. As time passes by each of these individuals gets stuck in a vicious circle of loneliness that eventually leads to suicidal attempts specially among youngsters.

In conclusion, similar to every other invention computers has its benefits and drawbacks, I personally think it all depends upon how we use the given tools . Moderation is the key here to keep the balance and allow us to live in harmony.

Nhận xét của 1 giáo viên:

Good essay, nice vocabulary, a little too long (340 words instead of 250), a few grammatical and spelling mistakes. The topic is not fully covered (what about the “things will they be used for in future” part?). Looks like band 7 to me.

(Cách nhận xét cũng như số điểm đề nghị chỉ phản ánh quan điểm của giáo viên chấm bài này. Thực tế có thể khác tùy tình huống làm bài và chấm bài, không hẳn thể hiện chính xác quan điểm của IELTS)